That Boy

Once upon a time in Nazareth… Hannah, a teenage girl, leans against a village well, a bucket at her feet, watching the clouds. Miriam, another girl with a bucket, approaches.

“Hannah! Your mom told me you’re to hurry up and fetch the water! Oh, and that you’ll never get a husband unless you start carrying the bucket with a straighter back because what nice young man would want to look at such rounded shoulders! Hannah?.. Hannah!” (more…)

Pet Peeves

I gagged like I had a hairball when one of my university housemates, Fiona, opened up the last of her birthday cards and it was “from” her cats. Yes, her two cats, thousands of miles away and living with her parents, had literally been pressed into action to assist with the celebration. A paw from each had been dipped in washable paint and then pressed onto the inside of a Hallmark card. Under each smudged print was scribbled the paw owner’s name. “Smoky”. “Jinx.”

Unlike the warm sentiments behind the cards and gifts from the humans in the room, this thoughtfulness displayed by the cats brought Fiona to tears of joy and gratitude. “Aww, they still love me! Look how they signed with their little paws!” wept the young woman who, it may be noted, was studying for a Master’s degree. (more…)

A Wrench in the Monkey Plan

I don’t know if I made a big hit with the kids when I was a counselor that summer at Golden Lake Church Camp, but I sure made a big hit elsewhere on site. It was free time, right after lunch, and many of the junior high campers had crawled off to their cabins to curl up into fetal positions until the effects of the “mystery meat” burgers wore off. Those with more gastrointestinal fortitude kicked around a soccer ball, suntanned on the dock, or sat under a tree and painted their nails (this activity was mostly girls). (more…)

Pick-Up Lines from God

It was another dateless Saturday night for Owen. He sat on the couch in his small apartment, one hand clutching a fistful of Doritos, the other one using the TV remote to flip between two unpromising new shows, Knitting with the Stars and CSI: Des Moines.

Is God angry at me? Owen wondered. Is that why I have no girlfriend? No love life? This lack of blessing puzzled him because, after all, he worked for the Lord (Owen was an accountant for a Christian film company called That’s Repent-ertainment!). (more…)

Little Shoplift of Horrors

My dad once said that we’ve all got a bit of cocker spaniel in us. At first, I was disturbed to think that there was a dark chapter in our family tree somewhere, but what he meant was that everyone, whether we admit it or not, has a yearning for recognition, for stroking, for approval.

So, at ten years old, it must have been that inner mutt that had me circling around a small group of delinquent teenage boys hanging out in front of the local convenience store one aimless summer day. They all had long hair, wore scuffed jean jackets, smoked cigarettes, and spoke in monosyllables to each other. I instinctively knew they were the most powerful beings on earth. (more…)

The Late Show, Part 2

[When last we left our frantic late-for-the-wedding guests, they had burst through doors into the church basement, in desperate need to get one floor up, where the ceremony was already in progress.]

Rachel and I needed to find a way upstairs, but in our agitated state there didn’t appear to be an obvious means. There must have been six thousand doors spaced around the sprawling basement, all closed. We frantically began yanking them open to see where they led.

“Classroom!”

“Bathroom!”

“Boiler room!”

The organ music above our heads sounded now like it was taunting us: Having fun without you, having fun without you! (more…)